Whining, Tantrums and Tears
Elizabeth Pantly is the mother of four children aged seven to 13, is a highly-regarded parenting expert and the author of several books which I’m sure many of you are familiar with you like the “No Cry Sleep Solution” and the “No Cry Potty Training Solution”. Elizabeth is here to talk to us today about an area of parenting that a lot of parents would consider the most challenging.
Hi Elizabeth! Welcome.
EP: Hello! I’m happy to be here.
RM: Well, your latest book is entitled “The No Cry Disciple Solution” and in it you talk about how child disciple can be approached in a way that is both positive and fun. In your research and interaction with the hundreds of families that you have worked with, what has the reaction been to the idea of fun and positive discipline?
EP: Of course everyone wants that and to think that it is something you can actually do is a relief. People, when they think about discipline, they think of a child crying in the corner and a parent yelling. I want parents to know that discipline doesn’t need to be like that. It’s more about teaching and guiding your children and it can be an enjoyable process.
RM: One of the things I certainly learned over the last couple of years is that there are indeed, varying understandings of what discipline is and what it looks like, and how it should be carried out. As a parenting expert and the mother of four, how do you define discipline? What is it exactly?
EP: I define discipline as teaching—teaching our children so they will have good morals and values and to be able to make good decisions when we are not in the same room with them.
RM: How does your approach say, different from some of the other approaches like authoritarianism or just some of the other approaches that are out there?
EP: The problem with authoritarianism is that you need to be in the room with your child, you need to be guiding and directing; you need to be involved in all their decisions. You are teaching them basically behave or you are in trouble with me. Basically discipline should be how to help children make good decisions on their own, how to help them create strong morals, values and decision-making skills within their own heart so that when they are out in the world, they are able to decipher right and wrong and make good decisions on their own.
So it is more looking at yourself in the role of teacher and guidance counselor and how do I help my child understand the world and his place in it?
RM: Okay. Well let’s talk a little bit about your book, “The No Cry Discipline Solution.” In the first section, you talk about some of the common myths parents have about child discipline. Do you mind taking us through some of those myths?
EP: There are a couple of myths that can really spoil the joy of raising your children. One of the most common is that if you are a really committed parent, if you really love your child, your child will behave. The truth is that all children misbehave. It doesn’t matter if you are a perfect saint of a parent, your child is still going to have temper tantrums and color on the walls and all those other things that we need to deal with.
Along with that is the myth that good parents don’t yell. The truth is that even the most peaceful, easy-going person looses their patience with their children and yells from time to time. Loving our children is easy, but raising them is very hard. Children are people, parents are people, and we cannot aim for 100% perfection, because then we are all going to be disappointed.
RM: Now your book is written for parents of children ages two through eight. Can you say something about age two as a stage of development and how this approach may be received by a younger toddler?
EP: Well, my hope is that a lot of parents of young children will get to read the book because a lot of things that we do when our children are toddlers and preschoolers really affect the things that happen when they are grade-schoolers and even teenagers. We want to start good patterns from the beginning so we are not scrambling to fix problems, but rather starting off on the right foot from the very beginning.
One of the most important things with toddlers and preschoolers, is to understand that misbehavior is usually a symptom. The real problem is simply their immaturity and their lack of understanding and their inability to handle their strong emotions. If we understand that our young children have so much to learn about life, we can approach discipline in a much more relaxed and positive way.
RM: My daughter Abi will be two in December and we are expecting our second in March.
EP: How wonderful!
RM: So I am sure that I will be referring to your book. In the book you also walk parents through the most common, every day disciplining challenges and you demonstrate how your approach can help address these challenges while minimizing the whining, tantrums and the tears. Can you talk about a couple of these?
EP: Sure! We’ll look at one of the more common issues: Bedtime battles. The minute the parent walks in and says it’s time for bed, the child breaks down. They cry, they whine, they fuss, they don’t want to get ready for bed, and if we step back and change our approach a little bit, we can just not have to deal with all of that.
For instance, if a child is having a good time playing and enjoying their toys and activities and you come in and say, “Time for bed, right now!” well, you’re going to get the tantrum and the fussing and the whining. They don’t want to stop their play and go to bed. Instead, I like to teach parents various skills that encourage willing cooperation. You might walk in and say, “We have five more minutes to play with our blocks. Can you build a tall tower?” And then, five minutes later, ask, “What do you want to do first? Brush your teeth or put on your pajamas? Let’s follow the Bedtime Train! Choo choo! Follow me to the bathroom!”
So we’ve changed our approach enough to make the child want to cooperate with us. It is changing the upfront approach to make it more preventive discipline, doing things differently at the very beginning so we don’t have to deal with the tantrums and the whining.
RM: You also have a section in the book devoted to the really frustrating challenges—things like screaming, hitting, whining, and manners. If there are things that you can say to the parents listening today about these sorts of challenges, what would you say?
EP: I think the most important thing to know is that anything you deal with your children is normal and everybody else has to deal with it as well, whether it is a lack of manners, whining, fussing, or tantrums, everybody goes through that because it is just a normal part of growing up. So don’t think that there is anything wrong with your child or anything wrong with you as a parent, it’s just normal stuff that we have to go through.
Then taking a step back, taking a deep breath and asking yourself, “What can I do to get through this? Can I offer a choice? Can I get eye to eye with my child and say specifically what it is I want him to do? Can I validate his feelings? ‘I know you’re sad and you want to stay here and play, but we have to go because the bus is coming.’ Are there different things we can do?” Rather than looking at the fussing and whining as something that is a personal attack on us as a parent, look at is as a symptom of something that needs to be addressed and try to figure out what the real issue is and solve that before we go on to the next step.
RM: It sounds like your approach is pretty empathetic; would you consider it to be?
EP: Absolutely! Children are little, but they are people. They do have feelings, emotions, and moods. How many of us have said, “Honey, I didn’t mean yell at you, I’m just tired and I have a headache.” Our little ones go through those kinds of things, too. They’re tired, hungry, and frustrated, and emotions come out in negative ways. If we can understand that in ourselves, we should understand that in our children. As much as we struggle to do the right thing every day all day, we can’t expect a two year old or three year old to do the right thing day after day.
RM: Lastly, I want to ask you about a section in your book devoted to managing your own emotions as parents. Can you talk about that section?
EP: That is critically important because parenting is a very difficult job—24 hours a day, 7 days a week from sun up to sun down and sometimes through the night as well. We need to understand when we are doing a job of that magnitude, we are going to get angry and we are going to get frustrated. We need to understand that those are normal feelings. When we don’t understand that, it creates tremendous stress and guilt every time you raise your voice to your child. So it is a complicated job, so there are a lot of emotions, as any job of this magnitude would invite emotions like anger.
We can unintentionally make things worse by saying, “Why is he doing this to me? What’s wrong with me? Why cant’ I get a handle on this?” Instead, let’s say, “What’s happening and how can I solve it?”
In the book I talk about a six-step plan for controlling your angry emotions. Being able to stop as soon as you feel the anger rising and take a deep breath. Put a little space between you and your child so you can gain control of your emotions and then solve the problem by understanding what it is that you really need to change.
RM: Well, Elizabeth, what do you think is the most important thing that parents should know about disciplining children?
EP: Well, I would have to say that they should know about relaxing more and stressing less and understanding that a lot of what happens in our day to day are insignificant details that can cause us excess trouble and overshadow a lot of the joy of being a family. And also to understand that discipline is not a one-time maneuver. Just like musicians practice and athletes practice and students study, you can’t teach a child something one time and expect it to stick. You are going to have to teach over and over and eventually they will learn the things you are teaching them. Try to find the joy in everyday parenting and really understand your children as little people who are learning.