A Reluctant Mom: Breaking The Cycle of Abuse

Dear MOMbo,

I have been secretly visiting your site now for a few months, even though I am not a mom though. The truth is that I am terrified of becoming a mom. It isn’t so much the diapers or sleep deprivation…The real fear is that I’ll repeat a cycle of emotional abuse.  I don’t want to parent like my parents.  What are the best ways to get over this fear?

A Reluctant Mom

Dear Reluctant Mom,

First, I want to affirm you for thinking deeply before making the commitment to be a mother. Motherhood is not an easy role, and it is made harder by any lingering wounds from our own childhood. The good news is you have already completed the first steps to getting over your fear. You have recognized the fear and have named it. In addition, you understand the source of the fear. While it is true that most abusers have themselves been abused, it is not true that all who have been abused become abusers.

Some important questions for you: Have you ever sought counseling in recovery from your past abuse? Have you experienced healing from the grief most abused children experience from not having the parents they needed? Have you seen a tendency in yourself to repeat the patterns from your childhood?  These are difficult questions to consider, but they are important in your breaking the cycle of abuse.

The cycle of emotional abuse can be broken. Healing often begins with the understanding that you were just as abused as children who are bruised and battered physically. Adult children who have survived physical and emotional abuse often report that it was harder for them to recover from the emotional wounds than from the physical scars. Acknowledging that you were abused and that it was not your fault are key to healing.

Two more questions: What has given you cause to fear you will repeat the cycle of abuse? Do you have any anger management issues as a result of your abuse?  If you are concerned about how you will manage your anger in the face of the difficult and sometimes stressful task of raising a child, a good counselor can help you work through the old anger that is most likely the root cause of any current outbursts.

You are wise to be concerned about repeating your parents’ patterns, since we often tend to parent as our parents did. Please know that there also are many of us who have made a conscious decision not to repeat our parents’ harmful behaviors. Raising a child does take a village, so my advice to you would be to surround yourself with lots of people who love you and who will hold you accountable for being a loving mother.

Cycles of abuse can be broken by acknowledging the past abuse and by learning new ways of coping with stress and tension. You were taught harmful ways to cope with life. In order to conquer your fear, you will need much courage. In Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse, Gregory Jantz writes, “There comes a critical time in each person’s life when the truth is accessible. Faced with it, you can either run and hide, denying it, or you can face your truth, accept it, and grow stronger.”

I pray that you face this “critical time” in your life surrounded by people who love you and who stand beside you as you “face your truth.”

 Sharina Smith, MOMbo TV

Sharina Smith currently serves as the senior director of marketing and communications for Southwest Baptist University.  She and her husband Chuck have a combined family of four children (11, 12, 14, and 17). She is passionate about reading and good grammar and is a media junkie– reading several newspapers, blogs, and magazines each day. As an emotional, physical, and sexual abuse survivor, Sharina seeks to encourage women on their healing journey. Learn more about Sharina at sharinasmith.com