Love Lessons: One Adoptive Mother’s Story

Both of my daughters were adopted. I brought them home (almost ten years apart) when they were just twelve and thirteen days old.  Though we had very few details about their birth families, we knew that they would one day have the option of registering with the agency for a reunion with their child. Back then, an ‘eighteenth birthday’ seemed very far off.

 

From the beginning, we told our daughters their story, the story of how they arrived in our lives. At age 7, my oldest daughter would stand in the mirror wondering what her birth mother was doing or if she looked like her. I would respond with the answers I imagined possible; she had finished university, was working, and maybe married. I knew, however, that someday she would meet the woman who gave me one of the two greatest gifts in my life.

 

Fast forward. My older daughter, now busy with university talks about reunion. She receives a letter stating that one of her birth parents wants to make contact with her.  We both that feel that it is her birth mother and I know that my initial reaction is going to be graded. It will be the most important test that I have ever taken. My daughter is excited and lovingly concerned about my reaction to the request.

 

The first contact is via email through a social worker. Soon after, there are phone calls and plans for a first meeting. The week before our family is to go on vacation, we talk about a gift for our daughter’s birth mom.   Being an especially crafty family, I suggest that we make the gift, a scrapbook of my daughter’s life.  We spend the evenings sharing so many memories as we put the pages together and look back over her childhood. This is a true Love Lesson, sharing my daughter’s life and lovingly offering it in the pages we create. I feel even closer to my daughter and to the woman who gave me this life to love.

 

The reunion is wonderful.  It brings my daughter more family as her birth grandparents are only an hour away. The first meeting with her birth mom, grandparents, half sister and brother is at a picnic.  We are nervous at first but there is so much to share.  We have a common bond. My daughter’s birth mom has the same beautiful smile, the same hair, same tan.  They look like sisters. So many questions are answered for my daughter.

 

How do I feel? I feel blessed to be part of this reunion and to see my daughter (ever a student and seeker) find what she is looking for and wants to know.

 

My daughter will have a loving relationship with her birth mom, but this does not mean that I will be loved less.  When we have more than one child we do not love the first one less. We uniquely and equally love each child. So it is with us. The relationship with my daughter is its own loving one–just as it always has been. Our love has been only been deepened. I am her mom. We all want our children to have more people who love and cherish them. Three years later, our daughter is reunited with her birth father and is again given more family.

 

My daughter’s story is a loving one and I realize that it is not everyone’s story. I do believe, however, that our role as adoptive moms is to be loving and supportive throughout the journey. Just as we taught them to share so long ago, we also must share.  In doing so, the love returns tenfold.

 

In a few years I will embark on a second ‘reunion journey’ with my younger daughter. There will undoubtedly be more love lessons.

 

Here is a bit of advice for adoptive parents:

 

·       Read, research and become familiar with adoption. My daughter, birth mom and I took part in a six week Joyful Reunion teleclass offered by a team of adoption coaches.  One coach was an adopted child and the other a birth mom. I was the only adoptive parent in the class.

 

·       Share your child’s adoption story with them from the beginning, even if they are too young to understand. For my daughter it is the story of being an hour early to pick her up and sitting in the parking lot. It is the story of the two hour drive and how she never woke up until we got her home despite being held by several different people.  With older child or difficult circumstances focus on any positive details especially your own story of getting ready to welcome them.

 

·       Consider your child’s age when answering questions pertaining to his/her birth family.

 

·       Be prepared for the moment (possibly during the teen years) when your child ‘stomps off’ saying that they hate you and that ‘you’re not [their] real mother anyway.’ Children going through this period of development, moving towards independence, can lash out with the most hurtful things they can think of.  It is more about the stage than the adoption.

 

·       Find ways to be part of the reunion.  Make a scrapbook, photo album or share school mementos. The sharing can be done in person or on-line.

 

·       Reunions are complex and rejection is a possibility. In my older daughter’s case it has been rich and loving. With such a large extended family, however, now it means spreading herself between many more people. Everyone has her best interests at heart so it has worked out very well. Whatever the case is always be there for them with an open heart. Access professional advice and help for your child, siblings or yourself without any guilt.

 

 

      Debra Quartermain is a devoted single mom of two amazing daughters ages 16 and 25.  She currently resides in Fredericton, NB, Canada.